Home | Original Works | Ninja Turtles | Batman Beyond | Legend of Zelda | Yu-Gi-Oh | Spider-Man | Forwards | Behind the Scenes

I would like to thank everyone who gave such nice reviews. I do it all for you. Plus, for all you Raphael fans out there, I have sworn to forgive Raph for all the times he's kicked me in the head.

Hey! I most certainly do not!

Shush! It will make you look good.

I don't care.

Hey, I'm the publicist here. You hired me to help your public image, didn't you?

Yeah, but-

Well, saying that will help your public image.

(grumbles) Oh, all right. Now, can we start the story already?


Who's #1?
By Cere

(The Turtles are on the stage of a game show. Each Turtle is behind a podium. A roaring audience's applause fills the room. With the applause still going, the author enters the stage. He is wearing a very fashionable and very expensive suit, plus a football helmet.)

Hello everybody! It's nice to see you all here today!

RAPH: What's going on?

It's very simple! Today, we are going to settle the age-old question of which Turtle is the best!

DON: What's with the helmet?

That's for protection if Raph gets any ideas again.

RAPH: Hey! It was your fault for provoking me into kicking you those previous times!

Whatever. Anyway, let's get started! Our first contestant is the rocking, fun-loving MICHAELANGELO!

AUDIENCE: (cheers)

MIKE: (takes a bow)

Now, Mike, is there anything you'd like to say to the judges to convince them that you're the best?

MIKE: Of course! (clears his throat) I would just like to say that I am the most laid-back of the Turtles. I'm way cooler than my brothers!

RAPH: Yeah, right!

MIKE: Shut up. Anyway, I love pizza, surfing, pizza, beating up Shredder, pizza, and more pizza!

Is that all?

MIKE: Yeah, I'd say that's pretty convincing.

Well, folks, let's take a look at the contestant's history. (takes out a piece of paper and starts reading it)…oh, my…that's not good…ouch…

MIKE: Hey, what's going on?

Well, it says here that you have a very high Annoying Factor.

MIKE: A what???

Annoying Factor. Something that measures how annoying a person is. Yours is off the charts.

DON: There's no such thing as a-

Of course there is. It says so right here.

MIKE: I'm not that bad.

RAPH: (laughs) Yeah, you are.

MIKE: No, I'm not!

How about all those times when you interrupted my introduction?

MIKE: They were boring!

Or the times you bugged us so you could read your speech?

MIKE: It was a good speech!

(the author shakes his head) I'm sorry, but your true charecter has come out in my stories.

DON: It's spelled "character."

Whatever. Still, Mike, you might be in the running. Let's examine our other contestants! Let's talk about…LEONARDO!!

LEO: (sitting and meditating)

Yes, folks, that's all he does. Day in and day out, he just meditates. Over all, the boringest member of the group.

DON: He did stop meditating to save us from the Shredder in your last story!


DON: And there's no such word as "boringest."

Well, Donatello, you seem very talkative today. Let's talk about you next!

DON: And what do you have to say?

Face it, Don. You're too smart! You do nothing but sit at the computer all day, you have no life whatsoever, and you committed the ultimate blasphemy of suggesting that I had written fifteen errors into my story!

AUDIENCE: (gasp)

DON: It was seventeen errors, and what's so wrong about that anyway?

I never do anything wrong!

RAPH: (laughs) Yeah, right!

Well, well, well. Raphael. I've saved the best for last, you meanie!

RAPH: Yeah, well, you're stupid!

AUDIENCE: (gasp)

See! He has no heart at all inside that chest of his. He is a monster, and desires nothing other than to kick me in the head every time he sees me!

RAPH: Come a little closer and I'll do it again.

I won't give you that chance…Well, it looks like we've gone over the contestants. Let's see who'll win the honor of being the best Turtle! Will it be Michaelagelo…

MIKE: (grins, waves at the audience, and sticks his tongue out at the author)


LEO: (angrily sitting and meditating)


DON: (as loud as he can) Seventeen errors!!! SEVEN-

…or Raphael?

RAPH: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Well, let's see what's in the envelope. (takes out an envelope, rips it open, and reads the piece of paper inside) Oh, my! What a surprise!

MIKE: What is it? Who won?

It seems that...none of you won, because you're all losers!!!

RAPH: You stinking, son of a-

MIKE: You cheated! You cheater!

DON: You weren't putting on a game show! You just wanted to humiliate us!

That's right, and I've succeeded!

TURTLES' LAWYER: No, you haven't.

(gasp) What are you doing here?

TURTLES' LAWYER: You lied to the Turtles to lure them into a trap so you could humiliate them. I'm going to have to sue you for that.

MIKE: Yay! We're saved!

Not so fast. I thought you might show up, so I came prepared.

AUTHOR'S LAWYER: He hired me!

MIKE: Who are you?

AUTHOR'S LAWYER: Can't you read? It says "Author's Lawyer."

MIKE: Of course I can read!

SHREDDER: (in a singsong voice) Mike can't read! Mike can't read!

MIKE: Shut up!

TURTLES' LAWYER: There's no way you can stop me. I'm suing the author!

AUTHOR'S LAWYER: Then I'll sue you for suing the author.

TURTLES' LAWYER: Then I'll sue you for suing me for suing the author.

AUTHOR'S LAWYER: Then I'll sue you for suing me for suing you for suing the author.

TURTLES' LAWYER: Then I'll sue you for suing me for suing…uh…

DON: Oh, forget it.

MIKE: Yeah. It's a very stupid joke.

AUTHOR'S LAWYER: Hey! I'll have to sue you for insulting me.

TURTLES' LAWYER: Then I'll sue you for-

DON: That's enough!

TURTLES' LAWYER: Stop interrupting me! It is strictly forbidden!

DON: Where?

TURTLES' LAWYER: Under the contract, section 2 subsection 5 subsection 37 subsection 6W subsection 2B subsection ORNOT2B subsection 5$6^7!8 subsection-

RAPH: Jeez, how many subsections are there?

TURTLES' LAWYER: You interrupted me again! Now, it clearly states that "the person(s) who signed this contract agree to never-

MIKE: Oh, who reads that stuff anyway?

TURTLES' LAWYER: That does it! I'm sick and tired of you people interrupting me! I quit! (storms off in a very sour mood)

MIKE: Maybe we were too harsh.

AUTHOR'S LAWYER: Now there is nobody to stop me from suing you! You are doomed!

BILL (the crab): Wait!

AUTHOR'S LAWYER: What do you want?

BILL: There's no need to sue anybody! Why can't we just be friends?

AUTHOR'S LAWYER: …I never thought of that!

What are you doing? Why are you hesitating?

AUTHOR'S LAWYER: I just realized that my line of work is very mean and not at all nice. I've decided to quit.


AUTHOR'S LAWYER: Goodbye! I'm going to quit my job and become what I've always dreamed of becoming…a pizza delivery man! (exits stage right)

MIKE: I like that guy.

Wait! You can't do this! Come back!

BILL: It feels so wonderful when you help someone.

You stupid crab! You made my lawyer run away!

BILL: Yeah, so? He needed to be rescued from his dreary job.

You're really nasty, you know that?!

BILL: It sounds like someone needs a lesson on peace and harmony!

I don't want any lessons!

BILL: Now, now, nothing can stop the spread of peace and harmony.

I know something that can.

BILL: What's that?

(a 40-ton weight falls on Bill, squishing him flat as a pancake)

AUDIENCE: (gasp)

LEO: (sits and meditates)

MIKE: Oh, no! He killed Bill!

RAPH: Would have been funnier if the crab's name had been Kenny.

Hold it! No references to South Park!

MIKE: Who's that?

My publicist.

RAPH: Why do you have a publicist?

Why not? I heard they were helpful.

And we are. Very helpful. (notices the 40-ton weight) What's that doing there?


Well, have somebody take it away. It has no connection to this story.

DON: And you might need someone to clean up the mess under it.

Why? What's under it?

MIKE: Crab guts.

Crab... (whirls to face the author) What did you do?

(the author wishes he could crawl into a hole and hide)

How could you possibly kill one of your most popular charecters?

DON: "Characters"! It's spelled with an "a"!

I don't care.

DON: Sheesh, I thought educated people like you would know better.

Hey, this isn't the point! The point is that the author over here just killed Bill the crab!!!

SHREDDER: Bill the crab? He got to be in this story??

RAPH: He was in this story.

SHREDDER: How come a crab can appear in this story but I can't?!

Be quiet. You already had a line.

SHREDDER: One line isn't enough. I want to destroy the Turtles!!!

You can't do that. We still have three more stories in development.

SHREDDER: Do you think my massive army of foot soldiers cares?

FOOT SOLDIER: We don't care!


SHREDDER: Guys, it was a rhetorical question.

MIKE: It looks like we have a problem here.

DON: There must be a hundred foot soldiers out there!

RAPH: And all of them are heavily armed!

MIKE: Don't worry! The audience will help us!

What audience?

MIKE: …the one watching this game show.

There's no audience! That was just a machine programmed to make audience noises at specific times!


RAPH: We may have a problem here.

BATMAN BEYOND: Don't worry! I will help!

What are you doing here?

BATMAN BEYOND: I'm going to help stop Shredder.

I'm sorry, but there are no guest appearances in this story.

ROBIN WILLIAMS: What about celebrities?


MICHAEL JORDAN: You're sure?



No buts!!!

LEO: Oh my God, it's Sting!

MIKE: Hey, Leo's out of his trance.

LEO: I love your music! Quick, sing a song for us!

No singing! This story is starting to get out of hand! What was it we were supposed to be doing in the first place?

MIKE: It was a game show…

That's right.

MIKE: …but it was really the author's attempt to humiliate us.

...That's right. (glares at the author) Why wasn't I informed of this?

I don't have to tell you everything!

We'll discuss this later. I'm ending this story right now!

RAPH: But wait! I haven't kicked the author in the head yet!

I don't care! I'm stopping this story and there's nothing you can do about it!

RAPH: (kicks the publicist in the head and knocks him unconscious)

DON: He should have seen that coming.

RAPH: Never did like the guy.

Me neither.

SHREDDER: Now that the publicist is out of the way, I am free to destroy you Turtles! There is no way you can stop me!

Of course there is.




SHREDDER: That's no fair!

Shut up, the story's over.

RAPH: Wait, I haven't kicked the author yet!

You can't. I'm wearing a helmet.

RAPH: (kicks the author in the head)

See! I'm okay! (pulls off the helmet and looks at it) Man, that's one heck of a dent you made.

RAPH: (kicks the now helmetless author and knocks him unconscious)

MIKE: Done now?

RAPH: Yep.




The Turtles' Vacation<-- Back to Ninja Turtles -->The Turtles' Christmas!!!

What did you think? Your feedback is welcome! E-mail me at cere_8@hotmail.com

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and all related characters are the property of someone else. This is a work of fanfiction and no copyright infringement was intended.