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Hello, folks! It's been a long time since I've tangoed with the Turtles...
MIKE: Not long enough.
...and I figured that, since it's that special time of year when the snow is gently falling and fat guys are flying through the air with the intent of breaking into houses, it's time for a truly great Christmas story involving the Turtles!
MIKE: (mouth open wide) You're kidding, right?
Why, what's wrong?
MIKE: Those things are so cheesy!
Christmas is a naturally cheesy time of year.
RAPH: True, but we'd like to keep our cheese factor here to a minimum.
But cheese tastes good.
RAPH: (smacks head) All right, you're going to get pounded for that one.
Back off! I've been preparing the past two-and-a-half years. I know Tae Bo.
RAPH: So? We know ninjitsu.
DON: Yeah, ninjitsu 0wnz Tae Bo.
What did you just say?
RAPH: Don't mind him. It's this weird thing he's been doing lately.
DON: |\/3 |333|\| 1342|\|1|\|6 133+ 5|>34|<
Don, please stop speaking like that or I will hurt you.
DON: 411 `/0|_|2 |3453 423 |3310|\|6 +0 |_|5
I mean it.
LEO: Hey, guys, what's going on?
EVERYONE: (gasp) Leo, you're not med-
LEO: Oh no, I'm actually having some lines in this one.
RAPH: There's not going to be a "this one", because author buddy here is about to leave.
C'mon, you guys need some Christmas cheer.
RAPH: We'd be really cheery if you left.
Give the season a chance! I know you guys'll enjoy it.
DON: If we wanted a Christmas story, there are a lot more capable authors we could get it from, 5+|_||>1|) |\|00|3.
But I've been improving my skill! I'm so much better now!
MIKE: And besides, we're all tired from shooting that new batch of episodes. [subliminal message]Watch the FoxBox![/subliminal message]
All the more reason for a relaxing Christmas story!
LEO: I just don't think it'll work out this time. Maybe next year.
...I have presents.
EVERYONE: (thoughtful pause)
MIKE: You know, it might not hurt to give it a try.
DON: More gadgets is good.
LEO: 'Tis the season.
RAPH: All right, as long as I get to kick him if he messes this up.
LEO: That sounds good to me.
DON: |>|-|332 |_|5, |\|00|3
MIKE: So, what do you have in mind for this truly great Christmas story?
In the spirit of brotherly love, I'm going to put you and Shredder in the same room and make you get along.
RAPH: Wait, I did not just do that.
LEO: What did those two zeros and underline mean?
DON: Did you just use an emoticon to express our reaction?
MIKE: Dude, that was exactly what you looked like!
And now, the story title!
The Turtles' Christmas Adventure!!!
LEO: Three exclamation points is always a good sign.
DON: I thought you said your skills had improved!
...it catches the reader's attention.
RAPH: Quick, get him before he can make this go any further!
Ah ah ah! (...) You know, that doesn't translate as well to the written medium.
DON: Hey, he actually used the correct singular form of "media"! I'm impressed.
And I just used you to give me a compliment! ^_^
LEO: I swear, these strange symbols are supposed to mean something.
RAPH: Death to emoticons! (grabs the author's wrist)
That's not going to help. My new laptop has given me superior Author Powers!
(A blast of radiant light throws Raph away from the author.)
Behold the power of Ctrl+U!
DON: A laptop, eh? | 4|\/| |_||332 |-|4><02 |)0|\|. |>|-|332 |\/|3!!!!11!!
But enough rambling. On with the story!
(The scene is replaced with a small log cabin. It is night. Snow is falling outside in the thick forest and a warm fire is crackling in the hearth. The four Turtles are sitting at a table with Shredder sitting opposite them.)
SHREDDER: What the hell am I doing here?
Shredder, please don't swear.
SHREDDER: ^&$# you!
RAPH: STOP THAT!
DON: 4|\||) +|-||_|5 +|-|3 2341|\/|5 0|= 3|\|61!5|-| 423 4|34|\||)0|\|3|)
LEO: I'm starting to remember why I meditate so much.
MIKE: All right, Raph, I think this has officially failed. It's time to...hey, where'd the author go?
I'm in the impenitrable realm of Author Space. I can comment and control everything that happens, but you can't touch me!
RAPH: That is so not fair.
SHREDDER: Oh $+@~, Turtles. (tries to get up but falls off his chair) One minute, I'm &^)>!#@ drinking egg nog with Krang, and now there's ^%(*+=$ Turtles. Where's my $@*% gun?
MIKE: I guess we now know how Shredder spends the holidays.
LEO: That's actually pretty sad.
SHREDDER: (manages to pull his laser gun from his belt, aims randomly and fires directly above his head, blasting a hole in the ceiling and causing a ton of snow to fall on himself)
MIKE: (applauding) Now that takes talent.
DON: Or lack thereof.
LEO: You know, despite the fact that getting Shredder drunk is about the only way to get him to get along with us, it isn't a nice thing to do to his character. Also, I'm afraid he'll accidentally hurt himself with those blades.
Hooray, Leo's really getting into the holiday spirit! The rest of you should follow his lead.
RAPH: (whispers) Suck up.
LEO: (whispers back) You know a better way to make this stop?
RAPH: (still whispering) Find him and kick his ^**...oh no.
You know, as an all-powerful author, I can hear everything you say.
RAPH (thinking): %*&+ $@#~@^&...what?
I can hear your thoughts, too. Nice ponies, Mike.
RAPH: (smoke streaming from ears)
But anyway, Leo does have a point. All right, Shredder is no longer drunk.
SHREDDER: (pokes his head out of the snow pile) Man, I need you every time an evil plan fails.
Only if you pay me. But now, in the spirit of Christmas (cue sappy Christmas song), I would like the five of you to discuss the true meaning of the season.
SHREDDER: What is he talking about?
DON: Some crazy scheme to boost his ego.
MIKE: I thought we were going to have presents. Where are our presents?
You'll get those after you all realize the true meaning of Christmas.
RAPH: What meaning of Christmas? We get presents, sing carols, and act happy.
MIKE: Okay, he doesn't speak for all of us.
I'm sorry, but unless you can work together and learn the true meaning of Christmas, you'll never...excuse me for a moment.
MIKE: Wait, what?
RAPH: Where do you think you're going?
I have some laundry to do and then I'm off on a date.
RAPH: You have a date?
(Raph's mouth suddenly disappears, leaving a blank expanse of skin in its place)
RAPH: Mm m...mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm! Mm m mmm m m mm m m mmmmmmmmmmmm!
I don't know why I didn't think of that years ago.
DON: That's not very Christmasy of you.
Look who's talking. None of you have expressed an understanding of the Christmas spirit either.
SHREDDER: (searching his suit) Now where did I put my spare ray gun?
LEO: Uh, I don't think this is working.
That's your fault. It's up to you guys to work things out. Now, I really have to go.
DON: But you can't-
Laundry. Date. Bye.
Don't worry, I'll check on you guys when I get back.
FOUR MONTHS LATER
Do you ever have the feeling that you're forgetting something?...well, anyway, I actually have my homework done for once, so I think I'll organize the files on my laptop...wait, what is this?!?
(The author opens the file containing the unfinished Christmas story. The shattered remains of a cabin lie amidst a field of fresh-smelling flowers.)
Oh no! How long has it been since I've been here?
DON: Gimme a second to count the notches on this tree branch.
Don, you're still alive! Where's everybody else?
DON: Oh, I ate them for sustenence a long time ago.
*jaw drops* 0_0
DON: Actually, I'm just joking. ^_^ The others are around somewhere.
But how did you-
DON: Just under four months.
DON: You asked how long it's been since you've been here.
...thank you. Now, how is everyone doing?
DON: Well, Leo went into a deep meditation state to conserve energy and use less food, Mikey and Shredder ran off to start their own religion-
So, my original goal was actually acheived.
DON: ...if by "acheived" you mean that both of them are stark raving mad, then yes.
*giggles* It worked! ^_^
DON: ...yes, well, I must say that you outdone yourself with the damage caused by this story. Two of your characters are crazy, one is a mute, and none of us have been seen in the outside world for a third of a year.
Say, now that you mention it, where is Raph? (a green hand falls on his shoulder) ...oh, I'm in trouble.
RAPH: Well, look who's not in "Author Space" anymore.
(An epic battle of ninjitsu versus Tae Bo insues, which ends non-epicly with the author pinned backwards underneath Raph's legs.)
RAPH: Okay, your description of battle totally sucks.
And yet you ignore the fact that I can still type while in this position. How come you're talking?
RAPH: You did a cruddy job of sealing my mouth. It unstuck within an hour.
Allow me to correct that. (Raph grabs the laptop) ...or not.
RAPH: This is a pretty nice computer.
DON: Eh, I could build a better one in my sleep.
Hello, how about getting off of me now?
RAPH: When did I ever agree to that?
DON: C'mon, Raph. We need to get back to the real world. They're probably worried about us by now.
Actually, they aren't.
DON AND RAPH: Huh?
New episodes have been airing, even while you were in here. You're not missing in the real world.
DON: But that would mean...*gasp* We're no longer mainstream characters! We have branched off into variation characters that exist in your mind!
RAPH: In English, Donny?
You're my brain child! ^_^
RAPH: ...I'm going to throw up now.
(snatches laptop back from Raph and releases himself) Does this mean that I can shape and mold you as I choose, with whatever odd quirks fit my fancy?
DON: If I say no, will you believe me?
Awesome! I can just see the places this can go...
LEO: (floating while in the lotus position) During the last few months in my deep state of medition, a new level of enlightenment have I reached. The Force I can now use.
MIKE: Behold, soon-to-be-believers, the wonder of the cheesecake! Worship the cheesecake!
SHREDDER: The cheesecake beckons you.
DON: This can't be happening.
RAPH: Mess with my mind and you die.
to be continued...mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahacoughcoughhackokayineedtopracticethatmore...
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