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Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. It’s so nice to see so many of you here. My name is Professor Cogsworth Barleydinger, and I’m here to talk to you new members of Old Geezers Anonymous. You are here because you want to live in the real world again, and OGA can help. Tonight, I’m going to tell you some basic truths as an introduction to the OGA program.
Truth #1: Cars travel faster than thirty miles per hour. Realize this when driving and also when attempting to cross the street. If a vehicle is ten yards away, it will cross your path before you step off the curb.
Truth #2: Computers will revolutionize the world. Actually, that’s what they were saying two decades ago. They have revolutionized the world. In fact, they still are right now. So, if you haven’t yet joined the computer world, you probably shouldn’t. Your computer experience will be severely hampered when you spend half the time trying to find the damn "e" key.
Truth #3: Teens know about sex. I know you probably got the "birds and the bees" speech when you were twenty-one years old, but nowadays kids just learn that on Sesame Street.
Truth #4: You are not cool. Some old people have a natural coolness to them. You are not one of them. So, the next time you try to act cool, realize that you are only making a fool of yourself and the grandchild you are with at the time. So please, just be yourself. Your grandchildren will ignore you just the same as before, but at least you’ll be less of a burden on them.
And finally, Truth #5: Your body is fragile. I mean, really fragile. So observe proper health habits. Don’t soak your dentures in chocolate sauce, don’t attempt to plug in electrical appliances by yourself, and yes, the door is further from the bed than it looks.
Now, there are five basic truths of life. Once you have accepted them, you will be on your way to participating in the OGA program and enlightening yourself. After a few months in the program, you will be able to confidently stand before the world and proudly say "hack, cough, wheeze, choke" and promptly keel over.
Note: I apologize if any old people were offended by that. Take solace in the fact that when I’m a-million-and-one years old, I’ll probably read this and promptly punch myself in the face.
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This idea was created entirely by me.